Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
