Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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