Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
