Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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