Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
