i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
