At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
