She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
