I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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