Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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