My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
