I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
