you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
