Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
