If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
