i used baking grease as lip gloss
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
