This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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