it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
