totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Enjoy the penises
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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