it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
