The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
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I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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