New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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