god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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