grandma shit on top of the toilet
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
