If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ketchup is God's man juice
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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