I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
