i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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