You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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