she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
