absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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