the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
