i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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