The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
