what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
