I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
