You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i came on her dog
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
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Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this