Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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