Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
