So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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