thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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