is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
