Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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