When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
