Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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