I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
