well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
So. Much. Porn.
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