if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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