I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Don't tell me you're on acid again
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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