my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
