He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize
