Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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