I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
