I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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